why do i feel responsible for my family's happiness

The changes youre making to overcome toxic guilt can make you feel self-critical, e.g. Your family members are lucky to have you. Get personalized guidance from a dedicated local advisor. People may not be show up the way you want them to, but when you accept them where they are you can let go, forgive and release. If you ever try to fix other peoples problems or make yourself responsible for their happiness, I hope the tips I offer in this post will help you to release that need. Thats not to say we shouldnt feel good when things go well. Sometimes sharing the pain in this new, differentiated way, which is not a jab or an attack in the heat of a fight, can still lead to a certain distance, coldness, or even a rupture. Don't even think about either outcome. The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding, How a Stronger Body Can Transform Your Identity, Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. I am caretaker and my parents (and I) are in a health crisis. I had to liquidate all of their assets, put them in my name, and take over their financial care as well as everything else. Group therapy is great for this. Just remember that many different factors came into play for that moment to arise, even the fact that your parents acted on their affinity for one another and gave you your life. It can be very difficult when you're going through what you are going through. I don't want to lose this relationship but I'm starting to wish I lived on my own again, where I could just be myself and enjoy my trashy tv and goofy music. Its taken me years to understand why I feel such a guilt and responsibility towards my parents. This does of course not help him nor me. Emotional validation is distinguished from emotional invalidation when a person's emotional experiences are rejected, ignored, or judged. If only I had her looks! If only I had his personality! Social comparison is an unending source of misery for most of us, because there will always be someone who is more beautiful, funnier, wiser, or richer. Hi Vicki, It really is on her to change - if you try to pacify her, it would be very temporary and would enable her to put off making the kind of changes that would really help. Upstream, of course she's most content when you are working on your "to-do" list, she feels in control. So if you dont want to keep your partner and your loved ones undifferentiated, and if you want to grow, then remember that you are not responsible for their feelings. But being uncaring is being selfish. I am only 52, have a husband and a more-than-full-time job. My parents moved down the street from me 15 years ago. After illuminating their core belief, he said that hes now ready to really hear his partners pain. Gillihan, Seth: "Do People Really Change?". Most of us have been taught that we are responsible for our loved ones feelingsthat we need to make sure they're not feeling sad or lonely. I feel stuck, depressed and looking for a break. A great time to do this is when youre feeling anxious and worried about someones mental state. Self-acceptance is usually a positive thing, but not if you are using it as an excuse to avoid the work of necessary change. AgingCare.com connects families who are caring for aging parents, spouses, or other elderly loved ones with the information and support they need to make informed caregiving decisions. When someone is selfish, they care about themselves and don't have regard for others (this borders on narcissism, but narcissism involves other traits as well). In this process, while youre allowing them to experience what they need to experience, and trusting that theyre being guided, just give yourself this opportunity to be in prayer for them. I can't handle this on my own. Its also an indicator of the way our moods can constantly be swinging up and down as externals change. Best wishes! Fast forward to 2011. Everything you need to stay Because you wrote MY story! My husband is very social and we have a big group of friends. Happiness is inside you, or it does not exist at all. Sometimes its easier to blame yourself for a problem than to accept that the situation was never within your control. Feeling and dealing with your pain directly builds character, integrity, self-respect, and confidence. I include some resources around addiction recovery in this postand at the bottom of this post. you need to start living your OWN life too! Let's look at an example from both the perspective of a mother who feels her child's happiness is her responsibility and a mother who provides good support for her child's big feelings without the belief that she is responsible for his happiness. I invited him to pause, imagine he drank the truth serum, and take a chance and share what the real number is. This can be really hard at times, especially if youre a nurturing person or just deeply love the person whos struggling. The painful memory crossed Grandmother's face. Use Life Itself to Dissolve Your Identity, What Eckhart Tolle Gets Wrong About Karma. Finally, if someone you love does come to you asking for help, there are some resources you can share. I have felt responsible for my moms happiness due to guilt and after she passed feel responsible for her death. She'll call me on a Sunday very angry, saying she's been sitting around all day. If you don't "play" she'll have to quit her negative behavior to get what she needs from you. Misery-Maker 4: Blaming yourself for things you cant control. Have her committed for a 72 hour watch. As Lori Gordon writes, you might be a factor in their life that influences their experience, but you cannot take responsibility for their emotional happiness. Think of ways to drop down your own niceness and to make AL seem more attractive than what you provide. Everyone has their own guidance system, whatever it is they believe in whether thats intuition, angels, spirit guides, the Universe or God. Moving myself is not an option and she's threatened suicide if I try to move her to a senior apartment or anywhere at all. If someone wants to change and asks for your help, you can show up and offer support. I was told that he's not responsible for my emotional reaction because he cannot help that I was hurt. Begin to question it. You have to stop doing what you are doing that makes this her best option. The solution is simple though it might not be easy:Stop blaming yourself, stop blaming others. Consider the glass of water you drink first thing in the morning. I hope the book is helpful. Misery-Maker 4: Blaming yourself for things you can't control. You feel to blame if your child goes off in a bad way. How to Change Your Diet So That You Have Fun and Feel Good! I took responsibility for everyone and everything for the better part of my lifeto my own detriment. We are our own worse enemies. No, you are not misunderstanding this! With time, such a process will slowly rewire your brain and help you internalize that you cannot prevent your partner from feeling pain. Overdrinking. Success is staying with them while they cry. In our sessions, we discovered that both of them shared the core belief that your pain = my fault. In highly over-simplified soundbites, the Four Noble Truths can be summarized as follows: How might you possibly be harming yourself? Thich Nhat Hanh, The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching (1998), NY: Broadway Books. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? There is a book that is broader than this specific topic but has wisdom that applies to taking responsibility for others' happiness. Hi Todd. Someone made you have to hone in on their feelings early in life, to stay safe..and you were trained to know if you do not make them feel better..you will somehow suffer..or be blamed or feel more pain. You will discover a renewed appreciation toward your partner because they are willing and strong enough to meet you and your pain without reacting or crumbling. 4 Ways to Handle It, https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/mental-illness-overview/how-to-find-mental-health, https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-refer, Mind-Reading and Projecting in Social Anxiety, 12 Lies Anxiety Tells You That Keep You Anxious and Fearful, How to Stop Worrying About Mistakes and Reduce Anxiety, HONcode standard for Start tuning into your actions. How to Stop the Misery: See a therapist, join a 12-step group, or call a friend. Or look at a situation that caused you to worry or feel anxious for another person. A like-minded woman who empowers . AgingCare.com does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment; or legal, or financial or any other professional services advice. Scribe Publications. I'm Sandra Pawula - writer, mindfulness teacher and advocate of ease. It can actually feel like something you physically drag around. Misery-Maker 10: Thinking that you have to do it all yourself. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? Reflect to examine if you hold a core belief that you are responsible for your partner's feelings, or that their pain is your responsibility, or that it is your responsibility to keep your partner happy at all times. Shifting your thoughts and actions reduces anxiety. Instead, find a way to hold on to yourself as your loved one is meeting their personal woes. Taking responsibility for others happiness causes anxiety. Her (and my dad's) misery is always running in the back of my mind. Not something anyone can go to Amazon and just buy. How to Attract Love and Stop Comparing Your Relationship Status, Accepting People Where They Are So You Can Be Free, The Fun and Spiritual Way to Release Fear Fast, Be Happier by Taking On the 1 Sneaky Thing That Drains Your Happiness, Are You Over-Spiritualizing? This dynamic keeps the relationship poorly differentiated. By using this site, you agree to our privacy policy. I watched Queen Victoria's Children, in three parts, on Youtube. Getting to know her personally has been inspiring. In such symbiotic relationships, if one is hurting, the other must sympathize with that pain as proof for their love; if one is happy, the other should also be happy. (I've done this, too.) You are not responsible for the way your partner feels. Read On! My mom will call me and say "Are you out with your FRIENDS? When I started reading these books it was like a light went off and I felt like I could breathe. Welcome to my island of sanity and serenity. This site complies with the HONcode standard for spirituality. 2023 HealthyPlace Inc. All Rights Reserved. Queen Victoria seems to have written the guidebook for narcissistic mothers. Such avoidance is detrimental because it lowers the authenticity, intimacy, and vulnerability of the relationship. For more guidance on what it truly means to accept and forgive, check out this blog post on forgiveness. Sure, you can provide support and reassurance, but you can't take away the aging process. spirituality, Blogs My wife might have been in that. As a result, you may constantly obsess over another person's circumstances and wellbeing. A friend was telling me about how she was visiting a very close friend of hers. You deserve your own happy life! There is a lot of suffering in life. Now I feel those shackles back on me. Reviewed by Davia Sills. Listen for real-time coaching, straight talk and big love! And, in fact, trying to take on the responsibility of another persons happiness can hurt them in the long run and deprive them of miracles. Modern culture encourages us to think that we are free, independent agents. It can sometimes be easier to start with behaviors/actions. Could you STOP right now? Wouldnt it be wonderful to live from love, compassion, and ease instead of beating yourself up every day? You feel youre responsible for your parents marital conflicts. Another lives miles away but calls her every few days because she knows the friend is lonely and feels sorry for her. So, I had to move them out here to Colorado to an independent senior apartment complex about 6 miles from my home. We were married for 18 years, together 25 but he was very depressive, quite angry sometimes and I got fed up walking on eggshells. You might also like to check out my Living with Ease courseor visit mySelf-Care Shop. Notice what seems to be good for your personal growth. I'm just sitting here!!" People with emotional instability who were in therapy benefited the most, increasing their ability to handle stressors and reduce inner turmoil. I was abused by my mother. (A clue that youre doing this is neglecting your own needs and desires.) Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. A walk, meditate, paint your nailssomething. Replace your thoughts with more realistic ones that help you internalize the fact that you cant be fully responsible for someone elses happiness and that worrying wont change this. Behavior like your husband's involves caring about himself but not others. If needed, you can always come back to this topic later. Mingyur Rinpoche, "How to Train Your Monkey Mind." My parents moved me here as a child, we left all family behind on the west coast (we are on the east coast), which I didn't want to do. But theres a difference between loving and supporting someone and trying to fix their problems and make them happy. We are supposed to be her entertainment committee as well as her sounding board for the chronic, non-stop complaints she vents 24/7. Accepting others where they are and forgiving them doesnt mean that you let someone walk all over you. And so, some of us feel were responsible for everything, a pattern that was likely embedded in your brain and heart as a vulnerable child. You were NEVER responsible for your mom's happiness (or lack thereof). When you're there, check out the books surrounding this one, too. The more you repeat a new behavior, the more habitual it will become. At least that will help YOU deal with the guilt a bit more. We need more space than other people. Schnarch, D. M. (2012). I'm going to. In reply to I was abused by my mother. He immediately said 8. You'll probably find this scenario quite common. If you can stay grounded and not retreat and apologize for what you just said, over time your partner may return to this topic with a question or may wish to share his or her own hurt on this matter. It is our job to be there for them no matter how they feel. How did it feel? We simply cannot be responsible for another's happiness. For example, Whether I lose weight or not, I am a worthwhile person who deserves love. Practice self-compassionbe kind to yourself by softening your judgment and treating yourself like your own best friend. 37 Secrets to Habit Change Success. I'm Sandra Pawula - writer, mindfulness teacher and advocate of ease. Misery-Maker 7: Comparing yourself to others. Meg Selig is the author of Changepower! Hi Marsha, Gordon, L. H. (1996). Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), an approach that focuses on our thoughts and actions, is effective in reducing the anxiety caused by responsibility for others happiness. Speaking up for ourselves is not only hard to do, but it tends to bring up a ton of emotional baggage from our past. These "happy hormones" include: Dopamine: Known as the "feel-good" hormone, dopamine is a. Nope. It's time that we fix a flaw in our mental health model: its denial of personal responsibility. 6. Thank you all! Your dad is being cared for and it sounds like your mother's needs at this point are mostly emotional. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Do you really believe youre in charge and that your worry can change anything? Theres nothing as potentially life-changing as talking regularly with a good therapist who can help you solve problems, discover new perspectives, and grow. See what you gain and what you lose from trusting in such a core belief. This is something I see come up all the time with people who are on a path of spiritual and personal growth Ive done it too. Their only income is SS and it goes to Medicaid. Just like you, others are subject to a complex set of causes and conditions so nothing is entirely their fault. Whenever I face stressful situations and have to surmount numerous barriers, only my family thinks and worries about me. How to stop the misery: Instead of putting yourself down for your mistakes and failures, make the conscious decision to grow from them. It sounds like you've been through a lot starting when you were very young and carrying that into adulthood. You can't change them. Answer (1 of 6): No. Having grown up in a family where it was ' my job' to keep my mother contented, I am finally calling her out on it. However, it can easily morph into something unhealthy, where rather than wanting to contribute to others happiness and wellbeing, we find ourselves being people-pleasers in order to make them happy. Misery-Maker 5: Blaming other people and situations for things you can control or passively accepting what you could change. For any occurrence, there are far more variables in play than you alone. Caring for others is a character strength. She had one weapon our mothers never had though. Dad had 3 back-to-back car accidents and could no longer drive; mom, of course, refused to do the driving, why should she, after all? She had nine children, didn't want them to be friends with each other or have outside friends, infantilized her adult children and held grudges against them for their whole lives concerning events from their adolescence. At first, all you have to do is notice and increase your awareness. You cant control the weather, the genes you were born with, diseases that have no cure, or the fact that you are getting older. Maybe your mother is like mine - I believe that either Narcissist or perhaps Borderline personality runs in her family, and being constantly on edge for keeping things going smoothly has worn me down. by: E.B. What beliefs feed that worry? You might think this is only a problem for people with very low self-esteem. We may know that life is better, easier, and less lonely when we were with each other, except when it isn't. At those times, it is tempting to assume . I also share some resources for anxiety and mental health in this post. But the truth is we cant control everything. Every one of us has experienced turning points in our lives. Everything is constantly evolving and changing in this intricate dance of interconnectedness, relationship, and mutual influence. You stop listening from a comfortable, open position because once you start hearing your partners pain, you immediately start thinking, What did I do this time? I made a free mini course that guides you through three core practices of my bookJudgment Detox. I always have a dark cloud looming over my shoulder : ( When I was a teenager I suffered from depression. The other person will receive your shift in energy and feel released by you. Such a process helps couples cut the symbiotic umbilical cord between them and dare to share their pain honestly, with no avoidance or censorship, and even without the need to solve or protect their spouse. Letting go of over-responsibility will bring relief, acceptance and peace into your life. Please stop. Im cold. The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding, Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. AgingCare.com does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment; or legal, or financial or any other professional services advice. Although it does take work, you can decide to change behavioral habits and do it successfully. I'm living with a man right now, and I'm driving him crazy, because he says I don't "live" in the house with him. Can I claim them on my taxes? Curious? When you change your thoughts and feelings about another person, you change your energy toward them. Any "friends" she has I really think its because people feel sorry for her. How did it arrive in your hands? Happiness is an individual responsibility. And you're not responsible for his happiness or life satisfaction. It's never the responsibility of someone else. How to stop the misery: Replace negative self-talk with realistic and positive self-talk. Your best interests are not top of her priority list! When you don't let yourself become anxious and stressed trying to make sure that everyone is happy but are still kind, you are caring about yourself and about others. My family is my strength in hard times. Meanwhile, there's a bunch of things going on at the ALF that she chooses NOT to do, for one reason or another. Why do I feel responsible for everyone's feelings? 2010 - 2021 Sandra Pawula. My parents have lived in this small town for over 40 years and she has no friends (doesn't want any), no hobbies, no church or other group affiliation, no family, just me. Someone had to dig the trenches for the pipes, didnt they? I am also working with a therapist. But just remember that you cant coax, guilt or force anyone to take action. It is not our job to make our kids happy. In the last year I have had many an some very serious reasons to worry about an try to help family members. When they do, get up and get out. How do I know, you ask? I asked him how much he really wants to hear her from 1 (not really interested) to 10 (dying to hear her laments). Have faith in other peoples guidance systems. The weight will be lifted and youll be able to show up for your loved one AND yourself. Feeling responsible for others' happiness is a complex relationship of interrelated thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. I was finally able to BREATHE. Shell38314, Awesome advice, and thank you so much! How can I be feeling this way?. I am hopefully starting a group therapy process soon, but would like to find something to support me along the way. After I got out on my own, that went away and I believe it was due to getting out of the depressed household of my parents. Tell her it is for her blood pressure, because it will help that too. She is a real Debbie-downer personality to begin with, always has been. They start avoiding sensitive topics, constructive feedback, frustrations, and conflictual tensions in the relationship in order to avoid hurting each other. Please check your inbox and confirm your subscription. Make her take responsibility for her own health. Pay attention to what youre thinking. Live each day, and each day do something little for yourself. Sometimes when we accept someone for who they are, all we can do is accept them and move on from our relationship with them. Then, give your mind another job to do, such as to focus on your breathing or to think about a plan for the day. At that instant, they both experienced a novel moment of a differentiated relationshiphe shared his honest pain, in the shape of avoidance, and she was able to "let it land," because he didnt try to censor himself to protect her. You do . People who can grow from their setbacks are more likely to succeed and to feel better about themselves. When we invite spirit in through prayer we return to our right mind and find acceptance. This is not your problem. 11 views, 0 likes, 0 loves, 1 comments, 0 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Jumpstart Coaching Lab: Want to know the difference between success or failure as a financial professional? And she needs you! 2. Everyone has choices and your mom has choices. She was queen and would accuse her children of treason if they did anything she didn't like. It can be humbling to realize youre not responsible for everything. I feel guilty when I set boundaries and try to live my best life. Then tell them she can't live with you and she lives alone, this could be the trigger that gets her placed. The idea is to use the letters in STOP to remind you how to STOP your own self-caused suffering: S = See what you are doing to yourself. Just recognizing that you are hurting yourself is a big step forward. Its impossible for you to be responsible for everything because of interdependence. Just let them meet themselves. But I will be made to feel badly until the day she passes away, that's just the way it goes.it's what she WANTS. It's a great pleasure and happiness to feel their support, even if they are not near me. here. It seems like it is your husband who misunderstands. You need to work on setting boundaries and when she starts that crap, leave the room and quit taking it. It doesnt have to mean that you endorse what theyre doing. Its hard not feeling guilty when your mom makes you feel like a bad daughter for not including her in everything. You ask this question in the hopes that, once he really thinks about this, he will see that your role in this is very limited. Remind your partner to hold on to themselves: They do not need to react to what you are sharing.

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